As humans, we have a basic need to contribute to our communities. In my youth, my contribution was Gift of Laughter, which is another way of saying I avoided getting a real job for as long as humanly possible. As a side effect, I also occasionally contributed the Gift of Plasma and the Gift of Calling Home Asking For Money Just This One Last Time.
But back to the laughter. I used to be a children’s entertainer. BalloonWizard™, actually. I worked supermarket openings, wedding, bar mitzvahs, carnivals, birthday parties, restaurants, and, on very special occasions, Ikea. Example Joke:
Q: What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name.
Yup, there’s an endless supply of eight-year-olds who will laugh at that.
I miss making people laugh, and have been thinking of ways to revive that part of myself. As I mature, though, I’ve come to realize that I have more to offer than just being cute. You can watch kittens playing on YouTube if all you want is cute. Or that one where the monkey pees in its mouth – that’s a hoot. Wait I remember another joke from my Wizard days:
Q: What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A1: Kids won’t eat broccoli.
A2 (Emergency backup punch line): Well if you don’t know I’m not having dinner at your house.
Ah, memories. That was fun and all, but I’ve come to a point in my life where I want to give back, to contribute to my society, to make a difference. And I’d like someone to comment on my blog who isn’t selling Viagra. Every time I go to my site and see there are new comments, I get all excited, but it’s just the Viagra ads again. “I get all excited, but it’s just the Viagra…” Boy – that line will haunt me if I ever run for office! That, plus embezzling from the orphanage. And drowning all those kittens – never should have videotaped that. Also I imagine that my years running guns between North Korea and Cuba won’t play well with moderate voters.
But back to Viagra! Of course I never buy Viagra, especially not online. And anyhow, Canadian pharmaceuticals are way overpriced now. So many Americans are voting for socialized medicine with their pocketbooks, the prices have gone up. So now you get very little price advantage along with a surprisingly high risk that you’ll be taking pet hormones instead of your Lipitor.
And there’s something wickedly wrong with my Ambien – I keep driving around at night, going to convenience stores. And I don’t have the munchies, I’m just kind of dazed and sleepy, but with an uncontrollable urge to operate heavy machinery. Normally the kids out at that hour would seem menacing as they surround me, marveling at my bathrobe and puffy slippers, but they all just seem soft and distant, moaning gently, fondling the Canadian tuque with ear flaps that I’m wearing.
But where was I? Oh yes, contributing to society. I read somewhere that flossing your teeth adds seven years to your life, so I’m going to promote flossing.
Don’t miss the next thrilling installment of Bad Advice Blog:
Secret Flosser
or
Floss for you Life!